Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
