The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
