So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
