how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
