I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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