YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
