Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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