"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
