my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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