The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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