There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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