True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
As shirtless as possible
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize