His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
