So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
