He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
