The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
