Plan B is the new Plan A
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize