I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
