if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
