yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
