wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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