Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
