I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
