i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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