how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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