It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
