The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
