If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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