Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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