I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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