remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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