Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
