my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
