how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize