I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
