Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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