Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
