Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
