There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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