Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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