Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
