There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
