She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
