Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How external is "for external use only"?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
