Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
