Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
