And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
