sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
