Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
