Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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