My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
