I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
