You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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