Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
