there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if only i could text you this smell
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
